In my early twenties, I struggled with setting boundaries – by that, I mean establishing clear limits and expectations for how I wanted to be treated by others and how I interacted with the world. I was a bit of a yes person, eager to please others at the expense of my own well-being.
At the time, I thought I was being generous and selfless, but looking back, I wasn’t very in touch with my own identity. It affected my mental and emotional health and I often found myself overwhelmed and resentful. My relationships suffered, and I wound up feeling like I couldn’t stand up for myself. The idea of setting boundaries to prioritize self care, and my own peace, was not something I had even considered.
On reflection, I think that I was unable to set limits because I didn’t want to disappoint others. I don’t recall that that there was a watershed moment that suddenly made me able to say “No”, but I certainly started to realised that that was what I needed. I began to gradually redefine my boundaries in all regards – physical and emotional, personal space, time and relationship.
Below are my five tips to help with setting boundaries for self care, hopefully, you find them useful. Please do note that they are solely based on my personal experiences – if you feel that you would benefit from extra support in this area, consider talking to a counselor.
1. Identify Your Needs and Priorities
A great place to begin, is to work out what is essential for your well-being, so that you can set boundaries that align with these needs. I started by thinking about how to do this in a work context as this was the main area I needed to work on. Avoiding burnout and feeling more supported was crucial for me, as I was working very long hours in a stressful job.
I realised that I needed to look for ways to dramatically improve my schedule so I could allocate more time and energy for self care and to look after myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. These were the initial work rules that I put in place to help me do that:
• No calls after 6pm and at weekends
• Only checking emails at the weekends if other plans allowed
• When I am on leave, I do not work (at all)
• If I feel under pressure to do either of the above, then I raise it gently with the relevant people.
2. Effective Communication
Initially, I found learning to communicate my boundaries effectively to be a challenge. To use the work example again, I began by being more assertive about not working outside of office hours, because I needed to reclaim that time as my own.
For example, if you get a call during non-work hours, the you could start by saying: “Please try to avoid calling me about work stuff after 6pm during the week (or at all at the weekends). Happy to receive emails at those times if that is helpful!”.
Using simple, concise language is a good approach, but, personally, I like to also avoid sounding too aggressive, hence the softer comment at the end. I’m sure that expressing my needs more clearly at work has helped me be a better employee and has improved my relationships with my colleagues.
Socially, I have also learned that I don’t need to over-explain or justify in order to get people to understand my needs. I recall one particular occasion when a wealthy friend suggested going to an expensive restaurant at the end of the month. It was at a time in my life when I was focussing on financial freedom and getting out of debt, so I told her: “I’m on a tight budget this month, so although I would love to, having dinner there would be tricky. So, unless you’re feeling very generous (!) could we look for something more budget friendly?”. Again, injecting a little humor, made me feel more comfortable with the situation but you could adapt the words to suit you.
3. Consistency
If you can be consistent, then there will be less room for confusion or misinterpretation. It shows that you are committed to prioritizing self care by protecting your own needs and that will encourage people to respect you. Also, it shows you take your own boundaries seriously, even when people are resistant, and that you expect others to do the same.
This is not always easy – going back to the work example – particularly, if you have multiple deadlines and have to work late anyway! Flexibility is important, but it can be tough putting the rules back in place even after a short break from them, so I try to make it clear in these circumstances that I am making an exception because of special circumstances, for example, a very important work project.
4. Set Technology Boundaries
We are constantly connected these days. We wake to the sound of our smartphones, spend hours scrolling through social media (some of us!), and often find ourselves glued to screens for work, entertainment and communication. While technology has, undoubtedly, brought numerous benefits, it has also made it much more difficult to disconnect and take time out.
I have found that reducing my use of digital devices is essential for setting boundaries to protect my mental and emotional well-being. A good way to try this out is to limit screen time and establish designated tech-free times, for example, during meals or before you go to bed. Read this post for some more tips about setting boundaries with technology.
5. Seek Support
I have found that reaching out for help always turns out to be a worthwhile decision, it often leads to positive changes in various aspects of my life. Whether through therapy, counseling, support groups, or trusted friends and family – guidance, encouragement and accountability from people you trust can be invaluable.
Therapy and counseling may be the best options to consider if you are struggling with setting boundaries due to past trauma or emotional challenges. If you are interested in a way to self-support, journaling, i.e. writing down your thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, can help you to clarify goals and challenges and to self-reflect.
Resources
If you would like to read more about setting boundaries, I recommend the following:
- I enjoyed Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. It has plenty of helpful tips, affirmations and easy-to-relate-to examples.
- Another fairly easy read is The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban. There are various scripts that you can refer to depending on your circumstances which makes it handy for many scenarios.
- Set Better Boundaries on Harvard Business Review is also a useful article.
Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this piece about setting boundaries for self care. Feel free to pin and share this article, and come back soon to discover the latest posts!